On the Labor Day holiday weekend, 165 hashers converged on Kunming for the 21st All China Nash Hash. Despite the unusual timing to take advantage of Kunming’s dry season, (Nash Hash normally takes place in September) over 120 travelling hashers made the journey to the capital of mountainous Yunnan, with Beijing, Skehou, Guangzhou and Shanghai among the most represented kennels.
The Kunming ACNH21 story began back in 2018 when Naked Horse founded the Chenggonng H3 and in the process gave a much needed boost to the hashing scene in the Kunming area. The awarding of the Nash hash to Kunming preempted a merging of the Kunming and Chenggonng kennels in an attempt to pool resources and make sure the event was a success. A small committee and mismanagement team of Nash Hash Virgins from the newly formed Kunming-Chenggonng H3 worked tirelessly over the months leading up to the event to ensure all visitors would be fed, hydrated, transported and kitted out with haberdashery, while enjoying some of the best trails around Kunming, diligently selected, scouted and laid by Trail Master Mashin the Pussy and the hares team. To the Hares!
The event kicked off with the traditional “pre-lube” and registration event on Friday night at the host pub, O’Reilly’s.
The beer garden steadily filled up with arrivals, and many a happy hash reunion was had. It soon becomes clear that hashers are a thirsty lot, 100 litres of beer were demolished in little over a couple of hours. Everyone seemed pretty pleased with their ACNH21 gear bags – in particular the personalized shirts, water bottles and beer mugs were warmly received. At around 9.30pm, Dazed and Confused, Lost in Translation and the Mismanagement formerly kicked off the event with the welcome circle and festivities continued into the early hours at some of Kunming more infamous nighttime establishments.
Saturday morning saw around 80 “ballbuster” participants meet outside O’Reilly’s for the chalk talk and bus departure to the starting point. But how many kilometres was the ball buster?
What is the half ball buster? how many runs would there be ? How long was the walkers and runners loops ? How steep are the hills? These and many other burning questions would surely be answered at the chalk talk. In the end the chalk talk revealed none of the answers to the burning questions, however it did see the debut of the infamous word doc full of instructions for hashers to dutifully read during the bus journey.
At lunch time the rest of the pack set off for the “standard trail” or “half ball buster”, which coincided with the first beer stop for the ball buster runners high in Kunming’s hills. Thirsty hashers enjoyed some cold “So Young” beer, while the walkers took advantage of some “roadies”. The early section of the “half ball buster” saw many hashers hopelessly lost after an unseasonal downpour washed away most of their hare’s shitty chalk markings. Eventually the pack got back on trail , and several Beijing hangers expressed displeasure at the existence of “hills” in China’s most mountainous province. At the hash view, Guitärded Spitler, dutifully carrying his guitar on the trail performed an impromptu “On Top of the World”.
Around 3.30pm, the FRBs began to converge on Beer Stop 2, at the reservoir. Hashers in varying states of undress enjoyed a refreshing swim and the cold Beer Laos. After a couple of hours, the pack departed and finished the token trail end to Point B, where they returned to O’Reilly’s for the circle and dinner. Dazed & Confused and Roomboy got the circle underway and various charges and down downs were dished out, as the heavens opened once again. It turns out some hashers don’t like getting wet and the circle hastily concluded and everyone retired to the pub for a buffet and plenty more beer and revelry. Around 10pm, some of the more hardy party animals, led by Guitärded Spitler sporting his hotel bath robe, took advantage of the bus to Turtle 3 to enjoy a Kunming clubbing experience until the wee hours.
Sunday involved a leisurely lunch time start, much to the relief of many a hasher with a sore head.
After the chalk talk, hashes were bussed into the hills to the picturesque village of Da Mou Yu for Point A. An early check saw most of the pack end up in a horrified villager’s back yard, after the false trail ‘X’ failed to materialise. Tiny Dancer was adamant he’d received permission, but would later receive appropriate punishment for shitty hareing. The first runners and walkers split came soon after, and the runners were treated to a beautiful maze through the village. The trails converged at a reservoir, before runners and walkers alike faced a brutal but rewarding climb, “on up!”. Eventually, the summit of Qi Pan Shan was in sight, and the promise of a beer stop gave the weary hashers the impetus for one more testing climb.
At the beer stop, hashers were treated to a spectacular hash view. Eventually, the pack made its way down the mountain towards Point B. But some final drama was to ensue. Kiddiepoo decided the rather innocuous stretch of trail was not exciting enough, so decided to take a short cut through the trees and barbed wire. It didn’t take those present long to realise the screams of agony were genuine. Several hashers carried him the final kilometre or so back to civilisation where a DiDi took him to the hospital. It was quite a relief, and a surprise, to see him at the pub later in the evening , crutches and all. At point B, a scrumptious BBQ feast, wine and lots of beer awaited the hashers. During the entertaining and raucous circle, Inspect Her Gadgets’ infamous durian beer finally made an appearance as a long list of payment and registration indiscretions faced a DDD (durian down down). Mismanagement extraordinaire, Mama-San, was formally named with a durian beer shower. The hares’ preference for taking trails through cemeteries was celebrated with the “necrophilia song”. Tiny Dancer was punished with a down down for his unconventional approach to giving directions to lost female hashers. The sausage family, penis family, pussy family and other associations of named hashers were brought into the circle for more down downs.
Finally, Dazed & Confused announced the host of All China Nash Hash 2022: Suzhou-Zhangjiagang!!
Hashers were then bussed back to host bar number 2, ChaBa, for towers of hash themed craft beer, “On & On”. In the long awaited boat race, Kunming-Chenggong H3 were crowned champions. Not without controversy, as Beijing claimed victory on spurious grounds. But their appeals fell on deaf ears. Later on a contingent of hashers, mobilised by Canoodle My Noodle, undertook a Nash Hash take over of “Revolucion” bar. Punters were treated to the spectacle of the “stripping contest” on the bar.
Monday was the fourth and final day of the hashtravaganza.
A morning hangover run took in many of the city’s well known sights, at least for those who didn’t get hopelessly lost. Then the grand finale, the 11th Rusty Man Challenge. 60 or so competitors downed their full English breakfast and Bloody Marys, hoping to avoid disqualification by the eagle eyed judges. Then the trail: 5km, 5 beer stops. C3 Pee Holes treated competitors and locals alike with some memorable impromptu bagpipe performances. At the point B, the final challenge : the sack race. In an entertaining affair, several bouncing harriettes engaged in some questionable sportsmanship. BDSAmateur and KCH3’s own All The Young Dudes battled it out for first place, and with absolutely no assistance whatsoever from the organizers, ATYD emerged victorious.
Finally, a closing circle led by Stilett-Hoe and Lost in Translation where after an impromptu hash wedding of Mama-San and a Papasan replacement, much of the weekend’s outstanding business was settled with an endless list of charges and down downs. And who could forget the traditional inspection of the DOGS in kilts. Moaning All Night was exposed for the unforgivable crime of wearing underwear. Hashers then proceeding to booze the afternoon away in the beer garden, with some unforgettable music and dancing courtesy of some talented hash musicians including FFB, Whacks it Lyrical, Guitärded Spitler and C3 Pee Hole.
Finally the stats
- 1,500 litres of beer
- 4 hash runs and 4 days of unforgettable memories
- 165+ hashers
- 80 Ballbusters
The mismanagement wishes to thank our sponsors – O’Reilly’s, Vedett, ChaBa and Turtle Bar for their generous support, and all those who attended and made the event such a huge thrill and buzz for everyone involved.
On On to Suzhou-Zhangjiagang 2022!